Loved and Lost
by Aquamarine Cherry Blossom-chan
Summary: It's all my fault. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for caring. I'm sorry for being a useless best friend. But, most of all, I'm sorry I can't prevent myself from falling for you... when you love her.


**Loved and Lost**

Marine-chan: Hey guys! I'm back with another new one-shot. It's just what I manage during my class time :P

PS. Sorry for any grammar mistakes. No beta and didn't proof read.

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Gakuen Alice. All rights belong to Tachibana-senpai.**

Dear Natsume,

You might think I'm always happy, but, no. This time, you're wrong. Ever since that day, I fooled everyone with a cheerful and fake smile and laugh every single day at the hallway and anywhere at school. I greeted everyone in the morning with a super loud voice that made some people cringe. But, that all is just a facade and everyone seems to buy it.

Why?

Both of you killed me.

Both of you, my best friend, the one I tell everything to. But, fate just have to intertwine with our life and make me fall in love with you instead. I remember that day when I told her I love you. I never know she'll betray me just for the sake of being with you.

I still remember the pain like it was just yesterday. You know that time when you're hurt over and over again that you finally get used to the pain and you don't even know what your feelings are anymore? Yeah, that's me at the moment.

It's been a few months since then.

And in that few months that feels like forever, I died.

I died not physically. I died emotionally. I don't know...what happened to us? Did I do something wrong? Is it my fault all these things happened?

We used to be so close. We used to be best friends that's always there to help each other. You used to tease me and I'll retort back, making an argument spark between us. We've never been awkward, and if we are, the tension will just melt in an instant with teasings.

I miss you. I miss you who used to be outgoing, fun and who always support me and give me advices even in my lowest low. Why? Why did you change, Natsume?

We used to be inseparable and you're always the one who come up to me. People started to wonder if we are even dating or have feelings for each other. I just blushed and said no, because they read me too well I guess.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's all my fault. But, if it is, could you please tell me? I'm begging you. I want us to be back just like how it was back then.

However, you seem fine without me. You even look way happier when I'm alone and when we act as strangers. Maybe you're way better off without me. It's sad isn't it? and it's the sad truth. The person you can't live without, can actually live without you.

It's been 2 months since everything changed, since everything went dark and since my world and happiness was destroyed. 2 months of loneliness, 2 months of heartaches, 2 months of jealousy that needs to be concealed, 2 months of crying, 2 months of thinking and wondering what happened. 2 months... since everything went wrong.

It was another day, another gloomy day for me even when the sun radiates warm, gentle breeze tousling my hair and birds chirping here and there.

Another day where I need to see you... with her.

Her, my own best friend, who I thought can be trusted, who'll never hurt me. Sure, she's prettier than me, smarter than me, have the popularity and attention, thick hair, long lashes, proportional body. But, you don't understand.

I was the one there for you when no one was there. I was the one there for you even when you're not popular. I was there for you since the very beginning. I helped you out in every problem you have yet I never expect a favor in return. Many has asked me, "Why did you do that?" and I just replied, "because I want to."

So, why can't you see me? Am I invisible to you? Is that so? Don't I matter? I'm your best friend and I love you even when everyone thinks you're the cold one.

Maybe it's jealousy. You can say so. But i guess I realize, you love her. You love her so much that you don't want me to be near you. To disturb you when you're with her. That's why you constantly shoo me away when you're with her.

I understand. I don't mean anything to you when you mean the whole world to me. I understand, I'm not your ideal girl. I understand I'm clumsy, fat, weird, idiotic, childish, immature and those other words you used to describe me.

I'm sorry.

For loving you when you love her.

I'm sorry that I care so much.

I know and realize it's all my fault. I'll let you go, Natsume. I hope you're really happy with Luna right now. I'm sorry I'm a hindrance for you, but if you want me to go out of the way, I will.

I saw you with her right now. It still pains me no matter how many months it has been. You're always smiling around her and laugh, give her sincere compliments, telling her how pretty she is with her hair down.

I smiled sadly to myself. You used to tell me to let down my hair because pigtails won't suite me when we're going to be in high school.

You're now casually draping an arm around her, holding her protectively to let people know she belong to you and not anyone else.

I miss your protectiveness. How you used to defend me when my best friends started to tease me or when strangers decided to pick on me. You're always there just to say back off and protect me.

And now I see you laughing and smiling with her when it used to be me, there, by your side. I used to be the one you always ask company from and you always told me to stay by your side. I promised you I will and so do you. But you broke that promise. You never told me any reason and just leave everything hanging. No resolution, nothing.

You seem so happy with her. So carefree. I saw you play games in your laptop with her today. And I remember how you always play games with me and just chat amiably together. You always tease me when I lose and when I got mad you started saying sorry and pat my back. But then the teasing continues and we will bicker while everyone looked at us as if we're a married couple. We always do that during class. Secretly, laughing in the back row so the teacher won't notice. We used to pass notes to communicate. Don't you remember all this?

I was the one you always come up to and I was there to listen to your problems. Do she do all these things? Does she watch your favorite movies and sing your favorite songs? Making sure you're happy and you're going to smile?

I saw Luna looking at me and she glared on how I stared on the both of you. Then she smirked. Don't you realize she doesn't love you? She just want her popularity to go up so she'll be the most popular girl in the whole school.

I was the one who knew everything about you even when you're not popular. So, why can't you see that I was the one there for you? Not her. Not anyone else.

You both make your way to me and our eyes met. Your crimson orbs. The very eyes that blaze with fire and intensity. You have no idea that your stare melts me and makes me go insane. And then you just looked away like nothing ever happened.

But, alright. Natsume. No matter what I say, no matter how many times I'm going to show you how much I love you, no matter how many times I'm going to say 'I love you', you'll never going to see me. You'll never care and choose to ignore me instead. You seem happy being with her and if she makes you that happy, I'll go away. I'll not interrupt your sweet moments with her. I'll not talk to you because you won't even acknowledge me.

I'll live in this darkness alone. I'll let you go. Because i'm willing to sacrifice my happiness just for yours.

Be happy, Natsume.

-Mikan

Mikan... I never realize how much I hurt her. I didn't know I was this selfish. And I never know that I was now one of the reason why she cried.

I ran. I ran to find her with the letter grasped tightly in my right hand. I didn't know where I was heading to, but my instincts brought me to the Sakura tree I used to hang out with her. It's been two months since last I've been here. The last day was just before the term break, maybe, that was when we started drifting apart.

Or should I rephrase that.

I was the stupid one, I realize. It might be too late now, but I want to apologize to her. I know I was the one who started avoiding her. I didn't mean to. Maybe it's because Luna started going after me and she will always interrupt Mikan's chattering.

Then, a second later, she disappeared.

I should've known she cared. Why am I so stupid again?

I hurt the person who cared for me most.

And it's too late.

I got nearer towards the Sakura tree and I saw a figure sitting down in its shades. I didn't know who it was until I saw the familiar figure wearing a bright yellow watch with her auburn hair tousled by the wind.

She looked up and I've never felt this shaken before. My eyes widened in pure shock.

She changed so much. Just in the span of two months. And I, her very own _best friend_ never realized it.

Her familiar chocolate orbs that used to held so much innocence, warm and vibrance are now replaced with lifeless and dull ones. Eye bags visibled and her eyes are swollen like she just cried. Her white porcelain skin are more of a like pale, sick ones. And to my horror, there's bruises every where.

She looked dead, yet she's still breathing.

I kneeled down in front of her, inching nearer to her. She backed away.

_She's afraid of me,_ I thought.

Her back hit the tree's trunk and her amber orbs filled with fear, looked straight at me.

"Why are you here?" her voice wavering.

"I... I just wanted to apologize."

And then it struck me. Why was I here again? I wanted to apologize. Then, what?

"Apologize?" she laughed. An empty one that sent shivers down my spine, "what for?" she stared hard at me with such empty eyes. "The Natsume Hyuuga? Apologizing?" she raised her voice and sent a crooked smile, "there's nothing to apologize, Natsume." She said in such a small whisper I barely caught.

"Listen, Mikan, I-"

"Listen? No, YOU listen," she glared at me with such intensity. If I was a coward, I would probably shrink right now and pray that a hole will just swallow me in that moment.

I stayed silent and so did she. I broke the deafening silence, "Who did this to you?" referring to all her bruises and injuries.

She laughed, mockingly and hauntingly, again, "You don't know? You don't notice?"

But her answer surprised me the most.

"Your girlfriend."

Seeing my shocked look, she continued, "Yes, Natsume Hyuuga, your girl friend and my so called best friend, Luna Koizumi and her gang beat me up."

My throat is dry and I managed to croak out, "But, why? Why did she hurt you?"

"Because..." her distant eyes now wet with fresh, unshed tears, "because I love you."

I was opening my mouth to spit out a reply when she cut me, "Because I still care. Because I still look for you at school even when you don't manage to cast me just one, small glance. Even when I'm invisible to you, I still look at you." Her tears are flowing freely right now and my hands itched to wipe the tears away from her fragile face.

She looked at my hand and her eyes trailed down to see the very piece of paper, "So, I guess she gave you that letter huh? Or she probably just shoved it to your locker where you found it. She loath me enough. She doesn't want me to be near you and she was mad to find out a part of your past which you obviously don't care to still haunt you. She doesn't want you to go near me and she doesn't want you to remember what we used to have back then. She wants you to forget me and have your eyes only set for her."

I have no voice. I can't speak. My tongue tied and words are stuck in my throat. Thoughts swirling in my head and I can't put it into words.

"I thought you knew, Natsume... and I thought that was why you wanted to apologize," she stop, trying to catch her breath, "if not, why would you actually come... to this forgotten tree of ours?"

"I never forgot this tree, Mikan,"

"Really?" she chuckled darkly, "Stop joking, Natsume. I've waited every single day on that 2 months under this tree, hoping you would come and find me. But, what? You can't even spare just 5 minutes meeting your very own best friend under this tree. Just for the sake of your very own girl friend."

Her words stung me and it hit me hard how much pain I actually caused her.

"I hurt you, didn't I?"

"No. Not at all. You don't hurt me. It was all my fault. I should have let you go when I found out you and her are dating. I should have thought you just as a friend and nothing more. It's all my fault, Natsume. And I'm so sorry for making a fool of myself every time I tried reaching out..."

"No, stop. Listen, just say it, I hurt you didn't I?" I asked, raising my voice as I did so. I'm getting so frustrated at what she's saying. Blaming everything at her ownself.

"I said, you didn't Natsume. Now, tell me. You wanted to apologize. For what? There's nothing to apologize, Natsume," she turned her face away from mine, staring into the now setting sun, with her dull eyes.

"I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for hurting you. I never realized it and I-"

She cut me off.

"Just get straight to the point, Natsume. I don't need your apologies and even if this is what I wanted you to do before, I want you to go away now. You're wasting my time."

And reality slapped me accros the face. I killed my very own best friend, just like what she said in her letter.

"I'm... I'm sorry that I realized too late. I-", I can't find the words to say what I want to convey, "I'm just sorry."

"Okay."

Silence.

"I need to go now," she started, looking away from me trying to cover the tears trying to rise up.

"Good bye... Natsume Hyuuga."

And in that moment, I knew I lost her.

**.The End.**


End file.
